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Tuesday, February 4, 2014

El Bachelor, semana cinco

Let's talk about the elephant in the room first.

Clare and Juan Pablo in the ocean.

When I walked into our bedroom at 1 am this morning, I gave Alan a brief recap of last night's episode. I told him how Clare said they just "went for it" and it was "pure bliss in every way" but I wasn't sure if the producers wanted us to believe they "made love" or just got perilously close. Alan scoffed. "Totally sex." The dude knows. 

What say you? Sess or just close to sess? (Which is how I bet Juan Pablo says it--SESS--considering he asks girls to "assept" his rose. yes? yes.) And yes, I feel dirty even caring if someone has sex or not, but so it is with the virtuous El Bachelor franchise.

Lots of animal talk last night as well, Clare felt like a newborn giraffe with wobbly legs (sess), Charlene wants to be viewed as a panda bear in a room of brown bears (in which case she'd probably be killed rather quickly), and Nikki is afraid of pooping her pants (which is a super classy way to say you are feeling more like an animal than a young woman).

Speaking of Nikki, nothing says "I'm insecure" more than touting how selfless and kind you are. Oh, and that you would be a most excellent step mom. "I think I'm super compassionate and have a big heart," Nikki said and Juan Pablo repeated it almost word for word when talking about her later. She might have a future in mind control. 

The HELL cave was ridiculous. Do you think they pick the girls most likely NOT TO be adventurous on the more dangerous activities? That way, the man looks super manly as he takes control and helps the girl overcome her fears. Clare would be a mess on one of those dates, so maybe not. Also, when these girls "take a leap" which is OBVIOUSLY just like love, they always say it is because they TRUST the man, in this case Juan Pablo. Huh? Did Juan Pablo check the ropes for safety and ensure the harness was correctly secure? Eh, no. But mid-rappel, all Nikki needs is a kiss from Juan Pablo and she can muster up the courage to finish the descent into hell. (No snarky comment necessary.)

"Trust me," Juan Pablo says to Andi, whose guts "literally" were wrenched when she sees him with other girls. But then he says "eh-trust me" and she is goo. "If I trust him, I think something really great could come out of it," she says to the camera. Yep, like being the next Bachelorette.

Juan Pablo needs to figure out his intimacy rules. Is he going to kiss girls or not? I appreciate that he seems to care about his daughter in all of this, but DUDE, the ocean. And, six girls. And poor Renee getting your double standard (quintuple standard?) because she has a son. 

I admit I am going to miss Kelly. Obviously there was nothing happening there, but once her dog was gone, that girl was FUNNY! Cassandra makes very obvious comments out loud and I love her lack of filter, "This is really awkward" she says when Clare walks in with her "allergies." But then I think she just might be a simple gal, "we should have one of these garden thingies back in America."

Who knows anymore? Clare might get to the final four, but I think Juan Pablo will keep her around out of guilt. If he is smart, he'd choose Andi or Renee, but I am starting to think he is not that smart. 

My favorites:
1. Andi
2. Renee

(I think) Juan Pablo favorites:
1. Nikki
2. Clare (sess)

What say you? And, please, no spoilers. We all know how to find spoilers on the internet and if we wanted to know them, we'd go looking for them. Yes? yes. love.

Anyone think sometimes Juan Pablo sounds like a mixture of Steve Martin's "wild and crazy guys" and Borat? Just me?


2 wise comments:

jfbast said...

So, I don't have cable so I'm always a week behind and your posts give me anxiety! But I watch the clips on hulu and I don't know which episode it's from, but when Juan Pablo finally kisses Renee I, for reals got so excited. I love her! If he doesn't ask her to marry him, I will. That is all.

jfbast said...

Oh, and Clare is insecure, desperate, and needy. Now that's really all.